Sex, Sleep or Scrabble by Hammond Phil

Author:Hammond, Phil
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781845025267
Publisher: Black & White Publishing
Published: 2012-07-30T16:00:00+00:00

Is it safe to fall asleep with a penis enlarger on?

No. But it’s generally a mistake you only make once. It was on my paper round that I first came across Dr Chartham and his revolutionary penis enlarger. One of the customers down Elcot Lane used to have a Fiesta delivered with his Times, once a month. It would come in on a Friday but I wouldn’t deliver it until the Monday (at least I didn’t until I was caught taking it home).

As well as acquainting myself with views of the female anatomy not found in my biology textbook, I spotted an ad that promised to put three inches on length and an inch on girth. I already had ginger hair, glasses and freckles. What I needed was a unique selling point. So I donated my savings to the good Dr C, who had the decency to send me his device in plain packaging. I told Mum it was a gemstone polisher (I was a keen rock collector at the time).

The enlarger was just a cheap vacuum pump; rubber seal at one end and a hand pump at the other. It turned a frankfurter into a king salami until you took it off again, when it shrank back to its original size. Dr Chartham evidently realised this, and only guaranteed improvements if you persevered with his regime every night for twelve weeks. This included an exercise routine which involved wrapping your penis in a warm flannel to improve the blood supply, followed by half an hour’s passive stretching. Being quite hormonal at the time, I seldom got past five minutes.

It required a lot of commitment and privacy, which I could only guarantee after lights out. My school work started to suffer. Four weeks into the programme, I fell asleep with the enlarger on. Dr Chartham warned against breaching the thirty minute limit; I had it on for eight hours.

I woke to find my penis reincarnated as a cylindrical blancmange, eight inches long, three inches wide and completely useless. It flopped around like a broken windscreen wiper. I felt no pain until I tried to locate my foreskin, which was grossly swollen, constricting the blood supply to the end and refusing to unravel. I had visions of having to go cock-in-hand to the casualty department, before a superhuman tug restored some semblance of anatomy. But would it ever be hard again (other than just hard to explain)?

Medicine has apparently advanced since then, and it’s now possible to have corrective surgery to answer (or rather exploit) man’s greatest insecurity. Those who present themselves to private penis enlargement clinics tend to be in their thirties or forties and from all walks of life. The vast majority have penises that are well within the anatomical norms, but then cosmetic surgery has always relied more on perception than truth. What they all have in common is a few thousand quid’s worth of disposable income. That’s an awful lot of paper rounds.

There are, broadly speaking, two types of operation; wideners and lengtheners.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.